Sheila Hamilton

I have recently finished reading “The Moment” a very compelling book by Douglas Kennedy, where he challenges the reader to consider a “moment”, or indeed moments, in their lives that changes everything, whether for good or bad. It is these moments that impact on who we become and how we live our lives and this made me reflect on some of the moments in my life that had a major impact on the path I now take.

From the moment I started school to leaving it, to deciding which University to attend and degree to follow, to a successful interview for a graduate job that I only lasted 6 months in as it was not the job for me, a decision to then complete a Teacher Training course and then the moment I saw an advert that said “Fly FREE to Australia and teach.”

What if I had never seen that advert and decided to seize that moment? I already had another post lined up in London, so if I had gone there, where would I be now and what would I be doing? Would I have met my husband, another “moment” that changed my life, had children and even be sitting at this laptop writing this blog, while hearing the rain lashing against my window?

One thing is for sure that there are many, many moments in our lives and all influence the future in some way or another. I believe the trick is to embrace them, learn from them whether they are good or bad moments -and we have all had our share of both. They are what makes us who we are and if we want to continually grow and develop, we need to recognise these moments, realise we chose what to do based on the circumstances at the time and not regret any decisions made. Failure to make the right decision has its consequences but if we regret the decision we make this continues to cloud our thoughts and affect our judgement.

Martin Luther King said that “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Seize the moments, be aware of the consequences of the choices you have and accept the decisions you make. It may prove to have been the wrong one but we will only find that out in the future and whatever happens, we will grow in knowledge and experience, helping us deal with the next “moment” and the next and the next and the ………….

Tags: acceptance, beliefs, expectations, goal setting, perception, self awareness, values

Last week I was running a workshop for PSYBT on listening and questioning skills after our Quarterly Aftercare Advisors Meeting. One of the main points of discussion was how to convince clients to, for example, “keep up with the paperwork, accounts etc” These, as we well know, are very important to the success of any business, however, all too often it is not of importance, nor of interest to the client – they want to do what they like doing be it making jewellery, being a plumber or whatever.

How can we convince people to take our “advice” on board?

Well this is where good questioning technique is essential, as we have to find out what the individual values and gets most satisfaction from. We then need to ask pertinent questions for them to discover for themselves the relevance of the activity, why they need to carry it out and what is a realitic goal. This will be linked to what they value and want to achieve – which may not necessarily be the same as our own.

We had a really good discussion about this and then, a few days later, I found myself in a coaching session when I really had to put into practice those exact principles we had been discussing. Setting realistic goals is not easy for anyone and if an individual is unsure of what they want or may feel they cannot achieve it, it is imperative that questions are used to allow that individual to discover for themselves what is realistic and how they can achieve it by using the many resources available.

A useful model is the GROW model ref: “Coaching for Performance” by John Whitmore. The premise is to generate “awareness and responsibility” by using a series of questions to investigate the following:
G = goals i.e. What we want to achieve
R = reality i.e. What is happening now
O = options i.e. What we could do
W = will i.e. What we will do

So think of a goal you want, ask yourself these questions and even at a basic level there will be a greater awareness and commitment to achieving it. Good luck!

Tags: aftercare advice, beliefs, goal setting, self awareness, values

Last night was Twelfth Night when all the decorations are meant to come down and the household gets “back to normal”. I have never really thought much about this tradition, although always had a sense of unease if the decorations were not down by this date, so off I went to investigate.

The main reason given for the unease is because of the superstition that originally, decorations took the form of holly, ivy etc and people believed that the tree-spirits living in the greenery needed safe haven over the harsh midwinter days. If the greenery was not then returned outside after twelfth night, spring would not return, crops would fail and also the spirits could cause mischief in the house.

Another tradition on this night is the idea of “wassailing” where people get together to drink to apple trees and to each others’ health. However, it is also an opportunity to play practical jokes on each other and eat the “Twelfth Night Cake”, a rich fruit cake that has a bean in it. If you get the bean you will rule the feast and everyone has to do what you tell them to do until midnight when everything returns to normal.

The common theme here is that the normal order of things is reversed and that made me think of what indeed is “the normal order of things” in my daily life and do I want to return to it?

When single and working full time, my routine seldom varied during the week, as a timetable dictated where and when I had to be lecturing. Even at weekends, there was a expectation that I would do certain things, meet certain people, usually at the same location (usually the squash club) and at a certain time. There was a feeling of comfort in it and tho it was nice to break this routine when away on holiday, I usually ended up getting into some sort of routine there too!
Once married with young children and still working, I had to be even more organised, establishing routines around where they had to be and when, as well as work schedules. What if I had reversed this “normal order”? What would have happened? I would like to think chaos would have ensued but sadly I, nor any of us, are indispensible. There may well have been a few hiccoughs along the way but some semblance of normality would have established itself.

And what about now? Now that I am semi-retired, children grown up and fewer pressures on my time, what is normality for me? Do I just go with the flow or do I try to establish some kind of routine? The answer is a bit of both! I still have to organise my time for work, for commitments made to meeting up with friends, taking classes in new interest areas and golf, but I no longer worry if something crops up and alters all my plans – c’est la vie!

Life is for living and enjoying no matter who is “King or Queen of the Bean”. Our normality is based on our perceptions and belief systems and they may not be the same as others. We may feel we are being undermined but trying to appreciate others’ perspectives and their normal order of things is important for our sanity.

And yes my decorations are down and although the house looks rather bare, it is great to be back to my normal order of things.

Tags: expectations, perception, Routines, values

How often are we truly aware of our own “comfort zones” and the impact they have on us? While I was running a course on Presentation Skills last week, this was clearly demonstrated.

One of the delegates, there to refresh his skills, slowly became aware of the fact that he felt “lost”, “unsure” and was becoming hesitant, with lots of “ehs” creeping into the mini talks that he were doing. And what was the reason for this? Well, it finally dawned on him that it was because he did not have any slides on the screen behind him.

After discussing this issue he realised that his numerous slides were there more for comfort than necessity. They were giving him confidence rather than him believing in his own ability and using them to help focus his audience. We then used a visualisation technique to anchor the good behaviours he does have when the slides are there and lo and behold his flow and confidence returned.

Whatever comfort zones we unconsciously establish need to be identified and then tested. Without that important awareness and testing, we will become less willing to try new and interesting things, preferring the status quo. This in turn could affect our motivation since we need energy and enthusiasm to take up new challenges – I am soon to be embarking on a painting course which will really take me out of my comfort zone, as I was told at the age of 14yrs definitely NOT to chose Art as a subject.

Yes, we are creatures of habit and habits can be very comforting however, beware the habit that has become an unconscious crutch. We need to be more aware of our regular routines and decide whether the withdrawal of any would affect our confidence and or motivation. Get checking!

Tags: perception, presentation skills, self awareness, self confidence

I am delighted to have been asked to chair a panel session at the ASB (Association of Scottish Business Women) Conference on Friday 27th August in Aberdeen. The panel is made up of 3 successful business women; Judith of Thorpe Molloy, Laura Sullivan of La Rosco and Karen Farquhar of Befriend a Child. The session is called “Business Success – Warts ‘n All” and will, I believe, be most enlightening and entertaining. Look out for a webcast on the Aberdeen Businesswomens’ Network website (www.abn-network.co.uk) to find out what the panel is saying.

I had a dream. Yes, “had a dream” not “have a dream” and because of it I am now updating my blog, at long last!

It was a very confusing dream and as usually happens I remembered it on wakening but am now struggling to recall the detail. The overwhelming memory, however, is that I was bringing a tomato plant, laden with tomatoes, to a wedding as this was MY custom, believing it crucial to the success of the marriage.

They say that dreams sort out your unconscious thoughts and I began to consider the influences on this particular dream. There was a feeling of “lack of inspiration” for a new blog topic, excitement that our son was coming home after 10 weeks working in Italy (tomatoes?) and then last night I watched a fascinating documentary on “Stolen brides” (BBC2 Wed 11 Aug), based on a tradition many years old.

As discovered by the investigator, it was important, indeed crucial, to consider the background to the issues raised, be aware of differences in individual values and beliefs and discuss with all parties the pros and cons.

The dictionary defines “steal” as “secure by secrecy” while “kidnap” means “carry off illegally” so when the discussion turned to whether these brides-to-be had been “stolen” or “kidnapped”, I felt the emphasis changed because of the emotion raised by the word “kidnapped”. Yes, it appeared that they had been snatched from the street by the prospective groom, however, the family, who were aware of the possibility of this happening, was told where their daughter was being held and given the opportunity to negotiate her return, based on whether she was happy about the impending wedding or not.

It is not my intention to discuss the programme content. We were given an edited version of events and would need to experience at first hand the culture and beliefs of that community before being able to make a valid judgement. That is the point.

How often do we take the care to do this research before making a judgement call? Indeed can we retain and interpret the events objectively? Maybe at a conscious level we think we are doing this but at an unconscious level thoughts become influenced by other factors in our lives – hence my strange dream. I watched the programme again this morning on BBC iplayer and found I had made some assumptions and generalisations that changed when seen again.

Communication is a powerful tool, open to so many influences, that maybe we need to take stock of what influences us, the traps we fall into before making snap judgements. I had a dream; it made me think more clearly and gave me a topic!

Tags: beliefs, influences on communication, traditions, values

I have seen evidence this past week of people, who are very capable, feel less than certain of their ability to deal with certain situations e.g. networking, persuading others to listen. So what is it that causes us to start doubting ourselves?

The key here is that we have to differentiate between feeling “helpless” and feeling “vulnerable” and I spend a considerable amount of time discussing the distinction with those I come into contact with, from training course delegates, clients through my volunteer work with PSYBT or indeed family and friends.

Imagine you are alone and driving along a country road in the dark. Your car suddenly stops so after a few choice words you no doubt get out , open up the bonnet and have a look – not that I would know what to look for! Maybe, with your fingers crossed, you try to start it again and then you realise you are “helpless” to make it go but, “no worries”, you have your mobile and can summon help.

But what happens when you find there is no signal and no friendly house with a light on nearby? Your feelings start to change and now you begin to be concerned and feel “vulnerable”. You start wondering about your safety. What if someone comes along, should you get out and ask for help or stay inside the car as the Police suggest?

And that is the difference! We may feel helpless in certain situations when we do not have the appropriate knowledge or skills but even then, it is people and their possible behaviour who often make us feel vulnerable. We can go into meetings and put across our opinions confidently but if there is someone there who has, or does, undermine our confidence, we start doubting ourselves. Nothing has changed so how can we address the situation? Remember we cannot control other people’s behaviour but we can control ours which will help us cope with any vulnerable feelings!

This is easier said than done but we need to be aware of the buttons people press to make us doubt ourselves, take control and accept we are not perfect! Look for facts and evidence from the past and believe! Yes, we might feel helpless but it’s a lot better than feeling vulnerable.

Tags: acceptance, self awareness

What an interesting week with several highlights, a few anticipated lowlights that did not come to fruition and many lessons learnt. I attended the regular Aberdeen Businesswomens’ Network dinner and listened to two very good speakers. The first was Professor Rita Marcella, the Dean of Aberdeen Business School, RGU, who entertained us with an insight into her own interesting background and the role that education and continual self development plays in the success of both her business and academic research. We also heard from 20yr old Lucy Tuck who beat carpal tunnel syndrome to graduate as a beauty therapist and now, with a little help from PSYBT, is growing a successful business which she hopes to expand over the UK within 5 years.

Such energy and enthusiasm from both speakers made me look, more objectively, at my own continued self development and consider what next for me. This set me off on another trip to a well known book site and I am now half way through Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Yes, much is similar to the many books of this genre that I have already read, but it has caught my attention from one specific angle. This “angle” is to promote being proactive, just as these speakers had been. I had always seen myself as being pretty proactive but Covey makes you look at this from the many different roles you play out from being at work to wife and mother. I realised that while I am very proactive as a coach and trainer, as evidenced from formal training evaluations and discussions with clients, I am more reactive in some of my other roles. Maybe this is why I seem to get more frustrated and be less “patient” with those near and dear! He stresses the importance of knowledge and skills but to establish constant and effective habits we also need to have the passion and desire to improve. I am looking forward to reading on and finding out more!

As for my highlights well, I have at long last had a HOLE IN ONE!! Yes, last Tuesday, during a medal round I watched the ball soar into the sky, land gently on the green and then proceed to track right into the hole. My first reaction was disbelief then sheer joy with squeals and hugs with my partner, a young talented 17yr old, who just happens to be our Club Champion but had never witnessed one. Sadly, since then my golf has been pretty inconsistent though thankfully many others are playing badly too and several games non-counting! So in the spirit of education and continued self development, I am off tomorrow to get a lesson on my short game – the area that lets me down and I want to improve on.

Reading about what to do is not enough, nor indeed simply doing it, what is critical, is the passion and desire needed to develop new consistent and effective habits. What about you?

Yesterday I had occasion to reflect on the passing of time. Time that illusive dimension and precious resource which is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as “The successive states of the universe regarded as a whole whose every part or moment is before or after every other”. Not having enough time is one of the most frequent excuses I hear when asking people what frustrates. I use it myself when I don’t quite get round to doing something but then again, I always seem to have enough time to do the things I want to do. And there is the “rub”. Is it not how we approach the use of our time that is important?

All too often, we think of time in terms of a commodity to be used. For example if we consider our weekly shop, how much of that do we waste? Are we so well organised that we use every item fully or are you like me, good at using leftovers but there is a limit – just think about that Christmas turkey! Eventually we all have something to throw away, discard into one of the many recycle bins we have these days.

Time is not a commodity. Discarding it is not only wasteful but impacts on how we believe we manage our own time and how we feel about it. Making the most of our time is an important life skill, helping us focus on which goals are important and setting plans in motion to achieve a balance between all those activities competing for our time.

Managing our time is a state of mind, which can become either a good or bad habit. Make it a good habit by concentrating your energies into the job in hand and being appreciative of what you do achieve. Remember any time wasted cannot be recycled, once gone it is gone forever, so make the most of this precious resource. In the words of an old saying: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why we call it the present.”

Tags: mind set, perception, time

“No” I am not talking about the inability to get a flight because of the volcanic ash nor am I describing any investment I have made recently, either in time, committment or finacially. I am, infact, talking about my first competitive game of golf this season! My expectations were low as I have not played much this year and this is maybe where I went wrong from the start. Yes, it had been a while but surely, having played for many years, my muscle memory would quickly kick in? And yes, I did hit some good shots but very inconsistently. It started going downhill when I got stuck in a bunker at the 7th hole and took 3 shots to get out. This did not help my confidence levels and actually reinforced my negative thinking, so much so that when I found myself in another bunker a few holes later – yes, another 3 shots to get out. Not only was I getting more and more frustrated but I was worrying and feeling guilty that my bad play was distracting my partner. Only when I decided at the 14th hole to NR (No Return), accepting that my handicap would go up 0.1, did I relax. I then treated it more as a practice round knowing that if I did “mess up” I could pick up and not keep my partner waiting to play. Suddenly I was happier with my swing and more confident in my ability to hit a good shot. The outcome? Yes of course, I played a lot better and even got out of a bunker first time!

The moral? We need to remember that it really is all down to our expectations and how we approach whatever we are about to do that affects the outcome. Thinking positively is better than thinking negatively, but this in itself is not enough. We need to be realistic and base our expectations on evidence. We need to trust the behaviours we have developed confidence in, acknowledge areas where we still need to develop and, perhaps more importantly, enjoy the experience, whatever it is. Accept we may make a mistake but be sure that we have given it our best shot! Here’s to a more successful round next week!

Tags: expectations, golf